Pamaeaye in Aklan and
its Role in Value Formation
By
Melchor F. Cichon
Revised Nov 25, 2012
When it comes
to love affairs, today’s teenagers and young adults no longer consult their
parents. To them asking permission from their parents as to whom they should
marry is old fashion. Many a time, young people would just inform their parents
after they have gotten married , or when they already have a child. This shows
that our young people want more freedom up to the point that their sense of
values are changed.
Against this
background, we would like to look into an old Filipino tradition which have
been taken for granted. This tradition which is called pamaeaye in Aklan, pamalaye in Iloilo, mamaye in Cebu, pamanhikan
in Tagalog, bulung-bulungan in Batangas, is a formal way of seeking the hand of
the girl from her parents.
The objectives
of this paper are to discuss the old tradition of courting a girl in Aklan, to
point out how pamaeaye is done and its role in value formation.
Let us first
look into the ways our gentlemen in Aklan court girls until they decide to get
married.
Since marriage
is a lifetime commitment and a serious matter, selecting a partner should be
considered very carefully. Every pros and cons about one’s sweetheart should be
evaluated with utmost care because it can bring happiness or sorrow not only to
the wife but to the whole family as well. This is the main reason why parents,
particularly the mother, meddle in selecting the right partner for their
children.
What are the
qualities preferred by parents for their daughter? Based on the interview
conducted by this writer with some parents in Sta. Cruz, Lezo, Aklan on August
22-23, 1992, the right man should be educated, respectful, helpful,
industrious, faithful, has a stable job enough to support a family, and if
possible, handsome. He should not be too old for their daughter. His religious
faith should be the same with that of the girl, otherwise many troubles will
come between the husband and the wife. On the other hand, the right girls for a
son should be respectful, knows how to cook, not lazy, owat mantsa or not a disgrasyada,
not a flirt, not necessarily a beauty queen, but must be charming. Her economic status should
not be higher than that of the boy. It is sometimes the economic factor that
encourages parents of rich families to force their daughters to marry their
cousins to preserve their wealth. It is also sometimes the cause of many
quarrels among husbands and wives when the girl is richer than the boy.
Ways to court a girl.
Several ways are employed by Aklanon men to
court a girl. One is by sending love letters. If a man has no nerve to talk to
the girl he loves, he writes her a love letter. If he cannot do it himself,
especially in English, he requests his close friend to do it for him. If the
girl answers him, one half of his objectives is solved even if the answer is an
outright BIG NO. If he does not respond to him, he will still write her until
he gets tired or loses interest in writing her. But that is not the end of his
so-called hot pursuit operation. He
has other means to lure his beloved. He can request a friend, a man, or a
woman, who can serve as a go-between for him.
This way, he will not lose face if he is rejected. The only drawback of
this technique is that sometimes the go-between becomes the lover of his loved
one. The other technique employed by Aklanon men is by serenading the girl.
During moonlight nights, the man, along with his friends, goes to the house of
the girl and sings love songs in front of the window. Before, most of the
houses were on stilts. If the girl opens the window, he
can start his courtship over the window while his friends stay a little farther
away until he finishes his talk with the girl. If a good rapport takes place
during this period, the man may continue serenading her even after he has been
accepted by her. The fourth way is by visiting the girl in her house in the
afternoon or early in the evening. If he is entertained, there is a possibility
that the girl also likes him. If he is not entertained, it means that he is
being rejected either by the mother of the girl or by the girl herself. But
that is not all. The fifth way is the old tradition which is called the pangagad. This way the man goes to the
house of the girl he loves and does whatever work he can do. The suitor,
sometimes fetches water, gathers firewood, chops them if necessary, and brings
them to the kitchen. But he must not just dump them in the kitchen. He should
arrange them as well for easy use. If there is a fiesta, he must contribute
something to the girl’s house for the visitors, and while the food is being
prepared, he must be there in the kitchen in the preparation. He must not just
sit in the sala waiting to be served, otherwise he will becalled tamad or lazy and that would be one
major cause for rejection especially by the parents. If there is nothing else
to do, then that could be the best time he would talk to the girl. But he must
be very careful, because the eagle eyes of her mother are usually fixed on him.
He must not show any harshness in dealing wih her daughter and the rest of her
family and relative, otherwise it will be another cause for rejection. After
six months or so of doing free services in the girl’s house, and the mother
finds out that the man comes up to her expectation, little mistakes are
forgotten. At this time, the man gained valuable support in winning the girl he
loves. This does not mean however that the man will now live in the girl’s
house while he is still rendering his free services to the girl’s parents. He
goes home when it’s time to sleep. Trial marriage is not accepted among Aklanon
folks. Although at times, the man may sleep in the girl’s house, but in a
separate room, if not in the sala together with the girl’s brothers. If the
suitor is allowed to sleep in the girl’s house, there is a great possibility
than an untoward incident would take place. There were many instances when the
suitor would crawl towards the girl’s room and they make love while the parents
are sleeping.
Once accepted by the girls, and if the man
is now ready to get married, he formally informs the mother of the girl that he
wants to marry her daughter. The parents of the girl will now tell the man to
inform his parents to come to their house to discuss plans for their wedding.
Meanwhile, the girl’s parents will clean their house, and buy foods and drinks,
and other things needed when the tigeaeake
comes for the pamaeaye.
The Pamaeaye
The man now
informs his parents of his intention to get married. If his parents will agree,
then they will make necessary preparations for the occasion. If the parents of
the boy can handle the pamaeaye themselves, then they will prepare foods and
drinks to be brought to the girl’s house and act as spokesman of the man. If
the father can not handle the discussion himself with the girl’s parents, then they will look for somebody, a
man or a woman, who can serve as the spokesman
of the tigeaeake. The spokesman is usually a respected person in the community
who can best represent the man’s side. On the other hand if the girl’s father
or mother can serve as spokeman of the tigbabaye, then she/he becomes the
sokeman himself/herself. But if not, then they will look for somebody who can
likewise best represent the girl’s side. Once the tigeaeake is ready for the
pamaeaye, the parents of the man will now tell their son to inform the girl’s
parents that a certain day he and his parents will come to the girl’s house for
the formal asking of the girl’s hand.
On the
designated day, rain or shine, the tigeaeake will go to the girl’s house. Upon
arrival at the house of the girls, the spokesman will usually say: “Tagbaeay! Tagbaeay!”
(Literaally means: We are calling the owner of the house or it could also mean
there is a visitor at the door). Since the visitors have been anticipated by
the house’s owner, the owner of the house will answer by saying:”Saylo! Saylo!”
(Come in! Come in!).
The visitors
will then enter the house. The future wife could be at the door to welcome the
vistors or maybe somewhere in the douse doing something. Later the spokesmen
would say: May kaibahan tana kami!” (We have some companions). The owner of the
house would then say: “Saylo kamo tanan!” (Everybody, please come in!). By then
the companions of the suitor will bring in the cooked food, the drinks, tuba
especially, the maeam-an consisting of beetle nuts, lime, tobacco, and buyo for
the old folks. With the assistance of the people in the house, the food will be
set on the table. Once ready, the boy’s parents will invite the girl’s family
members to eat the food they brought in. Meanwhile, the suitor, his parents,
his spokesman (if there is any), and some close relatives of the man will talk
casually with the parents of the girl, her chosen relatives, the spkeman, and
the girl. At this stage, no serious matter is being discussed up to the point when a topic on marriage is touched. And usually the tigeaeake makes the first hint on the
subject. At this juncture, a marriage proposal is presented by the tigeaeake.
It is also here where the girl and the boy are formally asked by their
respective parents whether they are really ready for marriage. And when they
say so, the next thing to do is to discuss the conditions before the marriage
is held. This includes the expenses for food, the wedding dress, the aras, the sponsors, the wedding rings,
the place where the wedding should take place, the place of the reception, the
doti, if there is any, and other things asked by the girl’s parents.
The Conditions
Since the
wedding is a family affair and since each family has a large number of
relatives and friends, the kind of wedding is thoroughly discussed during the
pamaeaye. The discussion will concentrate on whether it should be a grand
wedding or just an ordinary one. If it is a grand wedding, then it should be
held in the Kalibo Cathedral, in the church or in the chapel during a fiesta.
It could even be a civil marriage. But usually a church wedding is preferred by
the Aklanon folks. It is then decided whether the reception would be held in a
hotel, in a restaurant, at the beach, or in the house of the girl. If the
reception is held at the hotel, only the chosen people will be invited. If it
is done in the girl’s house, then everybody in the barrio or barangay can take
part in the reception. Besides, the relatives will no longer spend much money
to buy expensive gifts or hire jeepneys or tricycles in going to Kalibo and
back to the barrio. Morever, those
relatives will have a chance to extend whatever help they can.
Other things
are discussed during the pamaeaye. At times the parents of the girl would ask
for a house where the newly weds could stay. Other parents would ask for some
amount as doti, equivalent to a dowry. This doti is oftentimes required by the
parents of the girl especially when they do not like the suitor. As usual the
parents of the man would try to agree on whatever demands or request the
tigbabaye would ask for. However, if the man’s parents could not afford such
terms, the boy’s spokeman would bargain the cost of marriage. If the parents of
the girl are firm with their demands and the boy’s parents cannot afford them, then two things will happen. The suitor
and his beloved will either elope or they would just call off their marriage.
There was an incident involving my uncle who courted a rich girl in our town.
The girl belonged to a family with large tracks of rice land, while our
grandfather was only a carpenter. My uncle was accepted by this wealthy girl,
hence, the sweethearts decided that a pamaeaye be held as the tradition
required it. During the negotiation, the mother of the girl demanded P500.00 as
doti. During the pre-war period, one hundred pesos would mean P10,000.00 or
even more today. Since our grandfather could not raise the amount, he advised
my uncle to just forget the marriage. So he informed his girlfriend about it
and decided to go to Manila. On the day of his departure, my uncle’s girlfriend went to my uncle’s
house early morning bringing with her the needed amount. Unfortunately, my
uncle had already left. He later married
someone else.
Another
important thing that is discussed during the pamaeaye is the date of the
wedding. The wedding should take place only in any of the following dates: the 10th,
18th, th 20th, or the 30th of the month,
except February. Why these dates and not
this month? It is because these numbers have upward strokes. It is believed that when the wedding takes
place in any of these dates, the couple will prosper. The wedding should not
take place in February because this month is incomplete unlike the other months.
The other point to remember is that the wedding should not take place after the
full moon. It should take place only on the third quarter so that the couple
would have an abundant life. The wedding should not also take place on a
Tuesday or on a Friday because those days bring bad luck. The other taboo is
that the wedding should not take place within the year when either of the
families is still mourning. Likewise, the future wife and her future husband
are advised not to travel to avoid accidents.
So when
everything is settled, the discussion will now switch to other topics and
drinking of tuba will start, if it has not taken place yet. One of the most
important parts of this talk is the revelation and the giving of advices to
both the boy and the girl. The parents
and the relatives of both parties would reveal the good and the bad
characteristics of their respective son and daughter. This is done to give the
boy and the girl a true picture of their future partner. It is also during this
time when parents of both parties give advices to the boy and the girl on how
to deal with each other, how to help each other in all their undertakings, and
to be faithful to each other no matter what will happen to them.
After this,
the visitors will leave. Sometimes, the boy is left behind and goes home the
following day. He comes back to the girl’s house to continue his pangagad.
In Aklan, a
small party is held in the house of the tigbabaye on the evening of the
wedding. In other parts of the Philippines, this practice is pronounced. In
Tigbauan, Iloilo for example, a similar practice is usually held which is
called disposado. The members of the kapisanan or association of a certain
religious group, mostly Catholic, would serenade the girl on the eve of her
wedding. After which the serenaders are asked yo partake in the food prepared
by the girl’s family. The visitors are usually the girl’s close relatives. The
groom-to-be is also invited to grace the occasion. Again, during this activity,
the groom-to-be and the bride-to-be are served.
Most of the
things mentioned above are practices prior to the 1960s. Today, some of the things
are still observed like not travelling on the eve of the wedding day. But
pangagad is no longer practiced. And harana is almost gone. In fact many
couples do not inform their parents anymore that they are going to marry. They
just go home and present their child or children to their parents.
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